I have been putting off this particular post all week long.
Primarily because, every time I would be about to sit down and put to words the process happening in our lives...the unfolding of whats being worked in our hearts and our souls and our crazy journey, I couldn't process it all in a way that I felt confident would make sense in written words.
How do you put deeply spiritual, highly emotional, painful yet beautiful, sovereignly ordained twists and turns of life into text in a way that does it all even the slightest justice?
With so much that I feel still surrounding the circumstances of my reality - how do I authentically share the feeling, while more importantly - allowing it all to highlight the truths I know to be concrete eternally. Truths that far overshadow the ebb and flow of my emotion.
How can I explain to you the overflow of my heart, when much of it I am still surrendering on the altar before my God - still sacrificing my illusion of control - still understanding what I can and finding peace for what I can't.
How are there words in the English vocabulary that can depict the act of worship contained within the simple-yet-oh-so-complex concept of just following? Right now; my heart and mind are still midstep - so how do I take you along for the ride and make sense of it for you?
This time, it just seemed impossible.
And so, I had resolved that maybe it was better to wait to share the depths of the journey, at least in a wide-spread way, for sometime later...sometime perhaps, after we got where we are going and could look back on everything having processed and settled and made sense of things in a way that allowed me to hash it all out better for y'all.
Sharing felt more comfortable, you know - once we would be firmly within a place of circumstantial peace, and after having acquired the promise, and having seen question marks turned to exclamation points.
That's an easier time to share.
But then, this past week, sitting, in solitude, at the table, over burnt blueberry waffles, and with a box of tissues closely accessible to my sick, pregnant self - the Lord really convicted me of that mindset.
He gently yet firmly reminded me that it is often in our most jumbled circumstances; our moments when we have the least answers; the times when words escape us - that His glory shines brightest.
When we are weak; He is so strong.
And it is in my acknowledgement of my lack of understanding;
that I best remember my dependency on the revelation of His wisdom.
And within His wisdom, I am most capable to proclaim Spirit-breathed truth over human based knowledge or over the tidal waves of emotion that can hit.
My aim, though often missed, is to have my faith be forever rooted in the facts I have seen contained in God's Word - and how I have seen His character over my lifetime; long before my feelings have a say in the response.
Nothing about this walk of ours has been man-made or self-sustained; so why would I wait until I can eloquently update you with a hindsight perspective. Right now, I can tell you who my God is, how He is moving, and why we are following, from a Kingdom perspective.
What more is needed beyond that?
Three and a half years ago; God said go.
You've read the posts and heard the stories - after having laid roots in Colorado for so long; we experienced a very abrupt and surprising "GO", and so we followed.
God spoke promise over the season to come; what He had prepared for us in Virginia. And we didn't know what that promise was - but we knew the promise maker... and that was enough.
I recently went back and read a post I made from right before we left Colorado ("Ending a Chapter"); throughout the post I had no idea, at the time, what had been prepared for us in Virginia. And every word that was written made my heart burst with reminders of how much bigger and more complete my God's understanding of my journey is than mine could ever be.
Because in the lack of understanding I had in that moment - combined with the provision He later unfolded - it was a beautiful demonstration of how fully He knows my needs; and knows what will be best, not only for my good, but far more importantly for His glory.
Our unknowns are not only known to Him; but He has gone before us - and made the way to Kingdom building things. Paving a path to follow Him into such sweet goodness.
Our unknowns, are planned for - and provided within.
But it didn't look that way from the start. Or maybe, I didn't feel that way from the start.
Leaving Colorado was HARD, and I'm not going to lie to you all ... I was not a fan of Virginia for the first several months that we were here.
I remember multiple conversations with Brandon about how easy it would be to one day skim over the Virginia chapter of our lives. How simple it would be to one day leave.
Even in claiming a belief of direction to where we were, we were still so ignorant of the intent with which we had been placed.
We had no idea that the absolute richest season of our lives - the most fruitful and beautiful and provisional that we had ever seen - had been laid ahead for us in this place.
We said to each other - in moments of frustration and loneliness, without prayer or Spirit led direction - that as soon as his Air Force career was over; we were out and on to the next place.
It's funny, how often our perception of our placement is skewed - and in turn, how easily we choose to see pain over purpose; and miss out on the revelation and glory contained in what we think is wrong for us.
Thank goodness my God is constant in His sanctifying work in my heart, and persistent in softening my short-sighted heart.
If I were to rehash the entirety of our Virginia journey from that point on - we would all be here for hours together.
Because what ended up happening is that this displacement we were so mercifully allowed; became the place that built us most deeply. It became far more than we could have imagined even in our craziest dreams.
Here, we experienced what we believe is an incredibly faithful model of biblical church - and saw leadership that followed after God and surrendered to His Spirit. We learned about the body of Christ in ways we never had, before witnessing it played out at Legacy Church; and it opened our eyes to glimpses of what the Lord desires and intends for His Bride. It inspired us to see what church can be when it is Spirit led, rather than flesh led. It refreshed in us a longing to see His Kingdom come and His will be done, here as in Heaven. We leave here, with a whole new appreciation for the gift of the Church.
Here, we were allowed the absolute grace of being drawn into a life of ministry. Piece by piece, God laid on our hearts that He wanted us to be involved in what He was building. And so, we surrendered to that and watched as He granted us a front row seat to see Him develop a group of teens that started small and multiplied. A group that learned and leaned into habits of worship and of pursuit of God that spread like wild fire through the power of His Holy Spirit alone. We saw students entire lives changed by the glory of God alone. Watched as many came to eternal salvation, were baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, wholly surrendered to His will, chasing after their callings, realizing their purpose within the body of Christ, leading other students to do the same. What started out for us as a simple obedience to reach students, turned into an indescribable experience of God reaching for us as well. Revealing Himself to us in awe-inspiring ways, through watching them walk with Him. As we leaned into dependence on God to help us lead; He grew us personally and spiritually like never before. As we poured out, He filled. And we received the treasure of more of Him - along with the unbelievably beautiful bonus of knowing, and loving, His teens. The students we met and walked alongside became more than weekly investments.. but instead turned into hearts and lives and souls that shaped us, and who we will cherish and cheer for and deeply love forever. We leave here, with a whole new understanding of the pursuit and power of God.
Here, we developed family. The old cliche saying of "home is where the heart is" took on whole new meaning to us in this place. As we stumbled into the blessing of relationships that went beyond just casual occasional enjoyment of time - and into deep encounters of living room worship sessions, and constant intercession, and the sharing of the deepest pieces of our story and journeys together in victory and in battle. Interaction shifted from simply spending time, to really investing hearts - and in doing so, these people became home. They became the ones we shared our tears with, and who covered us in prayer. The ones we celebrated with, and who gave all the glory to God. The ones who our daily lives intertwined with as we shared ministry and meals, laughter and learning, Saturday nights and Sunday mornings and all the moments in between. The ones who would drop everything to be by our sides and to demonstrate for us what it means to really be in the trenches together. It is the weirdest thing to look back at the start of our time here and the perceived loneliness that we felt. We prayed for relationships to encourage us throughout the time the Lord wanted us here; and He provided in unbelievable ways - that will go far beyond our time in Virginia; and instead last throughout our lifetime. Friendship has never been as Spirit-rooted, and therefore as satisfying and worship inspiring as what he allowed us to have in this place. We leave here, with a whole new perspective on the value of sharing life together.
And lastly, here, we received the fulfillment of promise. For five long years, we prayed and prayed and asked God for the blessing of children. We begged Him to allow us to get pregnant, despite what the doctors thought was likely, and to allow us to be parents. For five years, what we heard back from the Lord was always that we would have children, but "not yet". So, we waited. Often in confusion and often with a sense of ache...sometimes with question marks if we had misheard the promise...always with a full belief in the power of the Hand of God... we waited. And then, He brought us here. He allowed us to experience the incredible fruit of His withholding. He took the ache we walked through and used it in awe-inspiring ways. And - In His great mercy - He showed us that His "not yet"s ALWAYS include purpose. And He allowed us a season we never could have anticipated or deserved. He surrounded us with people who lifted us up in prayer as we laid down our expectations and surrendered to Him and to His timing. We pressed forward in the "not yet" and asked Him to bring Himself glory through the right now. In this place, He deepened our walk with Him. He strengthened our marriage even beyond what it had ever been. And He laid the foundation for what He had promised was, one day, to come. He gave, and He took away, and in it all - He allowed us to see more of Him. And then, in May - He gave us our "yes". We leave here, pregnant with a promise. A child who He affirmed as ours for years before she ever existed. A life that has been given and sustained by Him. A babygirl whose entire existence speaks of His goodness and declares His praise.
Full, and grateful, we now leave here.
You see, about a year and a half ago - as Brandon's Air Force contract ended and we began to ask God what was next - the Lord began stirring in our hearts that He was indeed leading us, eventually, back to where we came from. Back to Florida. Back to our parents and families. Back to the start of this all. Back to a place that, historically, had been bittersweet when it was home.
And for the last year, we wrestled with the Lord on it. Pulling up these kinds of roots is not an easy thing to do; and we petitioned before Him constantly that if/when He wanted us to go back - would He PLEASE make it abundantly clear because - despite starting our time in Virginia thinking we could never stay - we had now experienced abundance in a way that made me feel as though we could never leave.
So we processed and prayed, invested in where had had us and asked the Lord for clarity over what was to come. And what we consistently landed back on in prayer time in again was an ask and an assurance that God would not be subtle when it came time for us to return. That one day He would call us back; and it would be clear.
It became clear that He would one day do the impossible, allow us to get pregnant, and that would be our sign that our time here had come to an end.
And as we prayed we confessed that our entire lives, including and especially the child that He promised, is and was His to do with as He pleases; as He knows is good.
Here I now sit; 5 months pregnant. Our miracle of a child kicking away inside my belly with many of my strokes of these keys... and now - fulfilling back to the Lord the promise we had made before Him long before she existed.
When you say "GO", God - we will go.
When you give clear direction, we will follow.
When you say uproot, we will pull it all from the ground.
When you say you have something new for us,we will trust you, even in the pain of transition because you have never failed. You are faithful. And all of our lives are yours to mold.
After I got pregnant, we slowly approached the Lord with questions of....
"soooo....really?"
Brandon, as usual, has been so incredibly good at being stabilized within the Lord and HIS vast strength throughout it all. Holding my heart and helping me walk in truth and scripture and prayer over emotion.
Let me tell you; patiently loving and leading a hormonal and sick pregnant wife, who is processing the letting go of almost all known things - and the picking up of brand new things - is a task that requires a Holy Spirit dependency.
And the way that he has led me in worship through the question marks;
how he has spoken truth over all my confusion;
how he has wrapped me up in his arms in my craziest moments of fear and irrational outbursts;
how he has celebrated with me the goodness of God in our past, present, and future,
how he has sought the Lord for wisdom and ensured that every step we take is of Him and not us -
It's humbling. And beautiful. And I don't have words for the way that my love for him only deepens and grows through every trial and new situation we face together.
It's always been together, and I am so grateful for that kind of teamwork through our journey - constantly bringing our questions and praises back before God.
We got to do that, pretty much daily, since finding out we were pregnant; asking the Lord if Florida was the next step.
What we received back was confirmation after confirmation.
Open door after open door.
A supernatural softening of our hearts to leave and replant.
An excitement for what God has in Florida - with our families and within a reuniting there all together after almost a decade.
A realization that we return as totally different people than we were when we left; and into a completely new life within that foreign-yet-familiar place
And multiple affirmations from those close to us that the Lord had spoken the same thing to them that He has to us -
That our time here was complete, our mission accomplished, and a new season ahead.
With each daily prayer and each new affirmation it became increasingly clear to us;
God was saying go.
And so, it is out of that assurance and our deep desire to be where He wants us to be -
That I officially resigned from my role within Student Life at Legacy last weekend;
and we are working towards a move back to Florida this fall.
And with as hard as it is to say "see you later" to this place and these people who have been vessels for the work of God in our lives-
It's also impossible not to feel a great sense of anticipation.
Because I know who my God is
and I have seen how He works.
I know His hand in our lives
and I've seen the goodness contained within His very nature.
The place, whether Virginia or Florida, is no where near as important as the Placer.
I know that when He calls for this transition it is with purpose;
not only for us - but great purpose for the ministry He has built here;
as well as all He is building in Florida as well.
I can't help but hit these keys thinking about what it was like to type them in Colorado, completely unaware of all He had in store here...
He doesn't change. So as I sit here in Virginia, I'm grateful that there is much that I am yet unaware of for Him to reveal in this new Florida chapter.
New dimensions of His glory contained within this command to "GO"
Ones I cannot yet foresee or fathom.
I cannot wait to see what He does in the lives of students and ministry and the church here as He begins this new season for them - because thankfully, the Kingdom work happening here... it has zero to do with me and everything to do with His Spirit, which remains.
I'm excited to get back to our families, and after almost a decade away from the people we love - to now raise our miracle of a child with her grandparents and aunts and uncles, to build new relationships, to venture in ministry, to start all over again there; all while holding onto and cherishing and building off of what could never be erased from this season of our lives here.
I am confident that in this life, the only thing that my heart and soul truly NEED - is my God and my King - and that everything else I have and will experience is simply surplus.
I am celebrating the abundance He has given, and looking forward to the promise that is ahead; while resting on the foundation that in much and in little - give and take - here and in Florida -
I have all that I need in Him.
I still wrestle daily with this process of letting go of what was always His and never mine
These incredible pieces He entrusted me with for a season - surrendering that which I have held closely for years.
I still know that with every box I pack and load into a truck; that my heart will beat with the absolute weirdest mixture of both gratitude and grief.
But I wrestle with and acknowledge those pieces also with a deep sense of hope,
A child like sense of wonder at what is to come,
And an eager anticipation of even more reason to proclaim His faithfulness forever and ever.
Whatever is changing in your life;
Whatever shifts;
Whatever transition you are called to;
Whatever is given and taken away -
There is a God, unshakable, who desires to walk with you through it all.
And when He says go...
There's overflow in obedience;
Wherever we follow Him to...
There's no better place to be.
Oh, Florida. We are coming for you.
