You, Lord, have so mercifully rescued me from deep pain and sorrow.
But are you not also the One who ushered me into that sorrow?
.
I remember asking you, begging you, listening for your voice -
& the response felt so clear.
There were confirmations that took place.
Alongside seemingly plentiful signs and answers to prayer.
Was I imagining those things? Straining my eyes to see what I wanted?
.
You caused doors to open
and led us into what we celebrated and believed to be so good.
You provided in specific ways according to our asks,
and we received and relocated again.
I stepped foot in that new/old place and felt immediately worshipful.
In awe of your provision and care.
I felt seen by you, steadied, and ready to rest in your provision.
.
Surely, this was Your portion.
.
But then I got so sick.
Months of my life were tossed to the fires of an illness no one could peg.
Many days I could barely move, and it hurt to breathe.
When I search my memory banks for defining pictures of this year,
I see hospital equipment.
The erratic sound of heart monitors floods my mind and
almost drowns out the precious sound of my children’s laughter,
Which I often missed.
.
How could this be your portion?
.
You say you will not give a stone
when I ask you for some bread -
But I took a bite and my teeth seemed to shatter.
.
And yet
.
The funniest thing about it all is how I heard your voice speak
“healing”
when you led us into that move.
I remember talking to friends as we packed to make the journey.
I told them you had been clear in the direction, and the purpose alike.
You had healing in store for me. I knew it.
.
But I’ve never been so sick.
Physically. But, also, in the ways my heart and mind succumbed to the weight
of what felt like the cruelest bait and switch.
Confusion and grief. Sadness and spirals.
.
How could this be your portion?
.
I remember reflecting on my birthday,
sick in the place you set me,
and saying that you felt so distant.
I looked far off at a growing oak tree and imagined you
sitting beneath it without me.
You were relaxed.
I was somehow both apathetic and angry.
.
One day, suddenly and wildly and without warning - it all fell away.
The discovered cause of all of the sickness was the refuge we called home,
and you removed it just as quickly as it had been given to us.
Before I knew it, we were living displaced as contaminated items
were being discarded and I had entirely nothing that was mine.
Yet, we were holding tightly to your hand
because it was the only remaining thing our family fully possessed.
.
Only you.
.
No illusions of comfort or control or understanding.
Just you.
Despite my anger, apathy, and misunderstanding -
When everything fell away, you did not.
.
And in the nothingness, my body at once began to heal.
In the nothingness, I could feel you closer than ever to me.
In it I could hear your voice
and see your hand
and clarity returned to the eyes of my soul.
I found sufficiency in your presence alone and
though grief gripped my heart, I had never been so aware of how you do not leave.
I have been so held.
In the nothingness you drew my attention to the ways and places I had been tuning out your voice... for so long.
And now I could hear you speak direction:
.
“Go back home”.
.
And here’s the thing;
I knew that voice well.
I’ve heard it, and followed it, thousands of times before,
and not a single one of those times have I known
what the end result would be.
I’ve followed your voice into still waters and green pastures.
I’ve delighted in your direction and been blessed by your placement.
But You have also led me, at times, to shadowy places I did not want to go.
.
And though, in the moment, I prefer the landscape of the former…
Hindsight proves your faithfulness - all the same,
and the pictures of redemption I see when I look back, I wouldn’t trade.
.
You’ve never been distant.
Despite my despondent imaginations or erroneous accusations.
I’ve seen you work all for my good.
.
A survey of our past would show the constant nature of Your redemptive power;
Frequent mercy.
Repeated blessings.
Grace we are somehow always finding more of -
To the praise of Your glory.
To look around the landscape of our past year
appears a canvas for Your sovereignty.
I’ve seen enough of your masterpieces to know
that the completion of all you touch leaves me
breathless
astounded
humbled
Some of the strokes just take longer to make out.
.
In mercy, you’ve allowed me to receive instantaneous fruit
from some of the shadowy places.
I’ve gotten to taste and see your goodness,
even as the bitter portion hits my lips.
Other times, you have reserved the realization of redemption
for a decade or more after the tears have been dried.
.
Which leaves me here.
.
If it takes until eternity to see the purpose,
I know your artistry is still the same.
I cannot understand your ways,
But you’re teaching me to understand your heart.
And there is no better healing than that.
.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
.
More on this side of the heartache than before.
And that, alone, would be worth it all.
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