"Do you know when you're moving yet?..."

It's a reasonable question.

It's been well over a month since we made the news of our move official to the public; and far longer than that since God spoke the direction over us and we committed to follow.

We heard a clear command, and took definitive steps - we've been saying goodbyes; we listed our house for sale; I stepped down from my role leading the student ministry that I love so much; and we announced to all the earth ... God said go.

Because He did.

But in the days and weeks following His Word over our next season - there has been far more stillness and anticipation than there has been action and movement.

We naturally long for direction to be immediately met by opportunity and big action;
but far more frequently we find that it's met by stillness and quiet preparation.

What we see in and throughout scripture is that there is quite often a period of time between the anointing and the appointing.

Often times; people are given a glimpse of the path being prepared ahead of them - but then there's this space between the glimpse, and the grasp.

There's a pause between the reveal, and the release.

Many times, it isn't immediate...and I believe that is intentional.


David was a shepherd boy, and God anointed Him as the future king of Israel.
But it was 15 years between the anointing and the appointing.

God gave Joseph a vision in a dream about the position of influence and authority he would have one day, and how his brothers would bow.
But it was 14 years between the dream and the delivery.


The list goes on, all throughout various accounts of the character of God on display in the lives of His people.

And we see the pattern further here and now in our daily lives.


In His grace, He lets us in on pieces of direction and small sightings of what is to come,
AND in His grace - He doesn't give it to us all at once.


We get to experience the blessing and the gift of waiting, often uncomfortably, on the hand of God.



For us - there has been infinitely more discomfort in this season than there has been apparent movement;

Where we had anticipated a quick shift of focus from here to there -
Instead we have found a holding space,
A time of being no longer where we were, of being removed from what had been so comfortable and so good for so long... but not yet brought to what we know is ahead. Just caught in-between.

In a place of listening;
of being humbled;
of being taught new lessons and reminded of old ones.

And I've found myself so torn in emotion over what the last couple months have held -
constantly resisting the time of "pause" in my flesh, while simultaneously soaking it up with wonder in my spirit.

I find myself both wanting to rush ahead, and also never wanting to leave this moment.

The waiting space is hard, and fruitful.
It's uncomfortable, and full of glory.
It's confusing, and unknown, and it rips from us absolutely all illusion of control -
And that is it's greatest provision.

Never in my life, have I experienced a greater understanding of my dependency on the God who gives and sustains life - than as I sit in this place of waiting and realize that it is Him alone who opens and closes doors, and that with as many things as can go wrong; He is the ONLY way that anything goes right. 
My dependency is fully on Him.

Never have I stood so amazed by His magnitude and His grandeur, and never have I fully understood just how much this life is NOT about me - as I have while I spent the last several weeks studying His Word while looking at my circumstances and surroundings. The contrast is bold.

When you begin to realize even the slightest portions of the fullness of a perfect, holy, and eternal God...who always has been, is, and always will be - it highlights your own smallness.

When you read of the environment of worship happening in this very moment around His throne in Heaven.... the fact that He desires our hearts and our hallelujahs... it's mind-blowing.

There's just this crazy perspective shift that happens when we zoom out from looking at life with ourselves as the center, and recognize that all things are created for Him and by Him.

We don't even get our next breath, unless He allows it.

All goodness from Him and all brokenness in His redemptive hands. Nothing outside of His reach.

It's all for His glory and through His power - so how can I even think to make anything about myself?
My life is fully about Him.

Dependency, and dying to self are concepts I thought I understood - but I have never realized just how much I didn't get it.

How much I still don't get it. I have so far to go.

Never have I had more opportunity to bask in His sovereignty quite like in this season where fear and uncertainty seem to hide around every. single. corner.

Honestly, I can't begin to recount to you how many ways my heart has fallen into incredibly gripping and deep places of fear over so many different things in this season, as we wait.

Infertility to pregnancy
Serving for Him to sitting before Him
Virginia to Florida

In each transition there's a million more reasons to sing that to fear - but in each transition, somehow, I have found constant new ways or reasons to be afraid.

I had no idea just how much my heart had listened to fear for so very long, that it had become habit - and toxic - like a cancer deep in my bones.

And I think that's secretly why we, as humans, hate waiting -
because waiting often comes with stillness
and stillness comes with silence
and silence gives us space to listen

and when we listen we find that our ears and hearts have been tuned in to lies, to fear, to doubt, to self-focus, to self-hatred, to insecurity, and to the world around us - and we have completely tuned out the voice of God.

Worse - as we hear those outside voices, we can convince ourselves we are still listening to Him...

Sometimes, without conscious acknowledgement, our motives are so self seeking and our hearts so set after the gifts instead of the giver - that it is easy to think we are following His voice, but in truth, we have been leading ourselves astray and listening to a source other than His perfect truth over us.

but then..

Waiting, stillness, silence - 

This place magnifies whatever voice we have turned our ears to; and so we hate waiting... because we hate recognizing that the voice we are most connected to, is often not one we were built to receive.

It goes against the grains created in our souls and it grates on our humanity and it feels uncomfortable, as we are sanded down and reshaped and refined for His purposes.


So, the absolute beauty between the anointing and the appointing - is the opportunity to change the source of your reception, to re-tune your heart, and to re-train your mind where to find truth.

That way, when we are brought out of the holding space;
we are built in the moments of stillness, rather than burdened by them.


And through His power and His process of making us new - we are ready then, prepared, for whatever is ahead in the season we are led to.


So to answer your question -


I have no idea when we are moving.

It could be weeks, it could be months.

And that statement used to drive me crazy (honesty - it still does many days)

But I'm also learning that whatever period of time we are held in the waiting, it is weighty - not wasted.

It has eternal purpose, and I require it in order to be made a vessel and an acceptable offering for His Kingdom.

The gift of the promise doesn't get fulfilled without the experience of the preparation - they are a package deal; one that requires obedience and surrender.


So far, we are at two and a half months in this stillness -


We said our official "yes" to God towards the end of July of this year.

And there's been a lot of circumstantial reasons it has taken this long, but what it all boils down to is - it has not been within the will and timing of God to release us from the holding place just yet.

So we wait - and, as we wait, we petition Him to teach us how to be faithful stewards of the time that we feel confused by and anxious to move past.

We plead to learn how to celebrate it and let it lead us to deeper habits of true worship.

Of clearer perspective that is eternal rather than self focused and fleeting.

We fail, we are redeemed, refreshed, and we seek Him all the more.

Here, in Florida, in ministry, in motherhood, in finances, in jobs, in much and in little all the same. The highs, the lows, and in all the places in between -
I'll gladly wait forever if it provides more opportunity to see less of myself and more of Him.

To know Him deeper.

Nothing else will do.

When God says go...

I have been putting off this particular post all week long.

Primarily because, every time I would be about to sit down and put to words the process happening in our lives...the unfolding of whats being worked in our hearts and our souls and our crazy journey, I couldn't process it all in a way that I felt confident would make sense in written words.

How do you put deeply spiritual, highly emotional, painful yet beautiful, sovereignly ordained twists and turns of life into text in a way that does it all even the slightest justice?

With so much that I feel still surrounding the circumstances of my reality - how do I authentically share the feeling, while more importantly - allowing it all to highlight the truths I know to be concrete eternally. Truths that far overshadow the ebb and flow of my emotion.

How can I explain to you the overflow of my heart, when much of it I am still surrendering on the altar before my God - still sacrificing my illusion of control - still understanding what I can and finding peace for what I can't.

How are there words in the English vocabulary that can depict the act of worship contained within the simple-yet-oh-so-complex concept of just following? Right now; my heart and mind are still midstep - so how do I take you along for the ride and make sense of it for you?

This time, it just seemed impossible.

And so, I had resolved that maybe it was better to wait to share the depths of the journey, at least in a wide-spread way, for sometime later...sometime perhaps, after we got where we are going and could look back on everything having processed and settled and made sense of things in a way that allowed me to hash it all out better for y'all.

Sharing felt more comfortable, you know - once we would be firmly within a place of circumstantial peace, and after having acquired the promise, and having seen question marks turned to exclamation points.

That's an easier time to share.

But then, this past week, sitting, in solitude, at the table, over burnt blueberry waffles, and with a box of tissues closely accessible to my sick, pregnant self - the Lord really convicted me of that mindset.

He gently yet firmly reminded me that it is often in our most jumbled circumstances; our moments when we have the least answers; the times when words escape us - that His glory shines brightest.

When we are weak; He is so strong.

And it is in my acknowledgement of my lack of understanding;
that I best remember my dependency on the revelation of His wisdom.

And within His wisdom, I am most capable to proclaim Spirit-breathed truth over human based knowledge or over the tidal waves of emotion that can hit.

My aim, though often missed, is to have my faith be forever rooted in the facts I have seen contained in God's Word - and how I have seen His character over my lifetime; long before my feelings have a say in the response.

Nothing about this walk of ours has been man-made or self-sustained; so why would I wait until I can eloquently update you with a hindsight perspective. Right now, I can tell you who my God is, how He is moving, and why we are following, from a Kingdom perspective.

What more is needed beyond that?



Three and a half years ago; God said go.

You've read the posts and heard the stories - after having laid roots in Colorado for so long; we experienced a very abrupt and surprising "GO", and so we followed.

God spoke promise over the season to come; what He had prepared for us in Virginia. And we didn't know what that promise was - but we knew the promise maker... and that was enough.

I recently went back and read a post I made from right before we left Colorado ("Ending a Chapter"); throughout the post I had no idea, at the time, what had been prepared for us in Virginia. And every word that was written made my heart burst with reminders of how much bigger and more complete my God's understanding of my journey is than mine could ever be.

Because in the lack of understanding I had in that moment - combined with the provision He later unfolded - it was a beautiful demonstration of how fully He knows my needs; and knows what will be best, not only for my good, but far more importantly for His glory.

Our unknowns are not only known to Him; but He has gone before us - and made the way to Kingdom building things. Paving a path to follow Him into such sweet goodness.

Our unknowns, are planned for - and provided within.

But it didn't look that way from the start. Or maybe, I didn't feel that way from the start.

Leaving Colorado was HARD, and I'm not going to lie to you all ... I was not a fan of Virginia for the first several months that we were here.

I remember multiple conversations with Brandon about how easy it would be to one day skim over the Virginia chapter of our lives. How simple it would be to one day leave.

Even in claiming a belief of direction to where we were, we were still so ignorant of the intent with which we had been placed.

We had no idea that the absolute richest season of our lives - the most fruitful and beautiful and provisional that we had ever seen - had been laid ahead for us in this place.

 We said to each other - in moments of frustration and loneliness, without prayer or Spirit led direction - that as soon as his Air Force career was over; we were out and on to the next place.

It's funny, how often our perception of our placement is skewed - and in turn, how easily we choose to see pain over purpose; and miss out on the revelation and glory contained in what we think is wrong for us.

Thank goodness my God is constant in His sanctifying work in my heart, and persistent in softening my short-sighted heart.

If I were to rehash the entirety of our Virginia journey from that point on - we would all be here for hours together.

Because what ended up happening is that this displacement we were so mercifully allowed; became the place that built us most deeply. It became far more than we could have imagined even in our craziest dreams.

Here, we experienced what we believe is an incredibly faithful model of biblical church - and saw leadership that followed after God and surrendered to His Spirit. We learned about the body of Christ in ways we never had, before witnessing it played out at Legacy Church; and it opened our eyes to glimpses of what the Lord desires and intends for His Bride. It inspired us to see what church can be when it is Spirit led, rather than flesh led. It refreshed in us a longing to see His Kingdom come and His will be done, here as in Heaven. We leave here, with a whole new appreciation for the gift of the Church.

Here, we were allowed the absolute grace of being drawn into a life of ministry. Piece by piece, God laid on our hearts that He wanted us to be involved in what He was building. And so, we surrendered to that and watched as He granted us a front row seat to see Him develop a group of teens that started small and multiplied. A group that learned and leaned into habits of worship and of pursuit of God that spread like wild fire through the power of His Holy Spirit alone. We saw students entire lives changed by the glory of God alone. Watched as many came to eternal salvation, were baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, wholly surrendered to His will, chasing after their callings, realizing their purpose within the body of Christ, leading other students to do the same. What started out for us as a simple obedience to reach students, turned into an indescribable experience of God reaching for us as well. Revealing Himself to us in awe-inspiring ways, through watching them walk with Him. As we leaned into dependence on God to help us lead; He grew us personally and spiritually like never before. As we poured out, He filled. And we received the treasure of more of Him - along with the unbelievably beautiful bonus of knowing, and loving, His teens. The students we met and walked alongside became more than weekly investments.. but instead turned into hearts and lives and souls that shaped us, and who we will cherish and cheer for and deeply love forever. We leave here, with a whole new understanding of the pursuit and power of God.

Here, we developed family. The old cliche saying of "home is where the heart is" took on whole new meaning to us in this place. As we stumbled into the blessing of relationships that went beyond just casual occasional enjoyment of time - and into deep encounters of living room worship sessions, and constant intercession, and the sharing of the deepest pieces of our story and journeys together in victory and in battle. Interaction shifted from simply spending time, to really investing hearts - and in doing so, these people became home. They became the ones we shared our tears with, and who covered us in prayer. The ones we celebrated with, and who gave all the glory to God. The ones who our daily lives intertwined with as we shared ministry and meals, laughter and learning, Saturday nights and Sunday mornings and all the moments in between. The ones who would drop everything to be by our sides and to demonstrate for us what it means to really be in the trenches together. It is the weirdest thing to look back at the start of our time here and the perceived loneliness that we felt. We prayed for relationships to encourage us throughout the time the Lord wanted us here; and He provided in unbelievable ways - that will go far beyond our time in Virginia; and instead last throughout our lifetime. Friendship has never been as Spirit-rooted, and therefore as satisfying and worship inspiring as what he allowed us to have in this place. We leave here, with a whole new perspective on the value of sharing life together.

And lastly, here, we received the fulfillment of promise. For five long years, we prayed and prayed and asked God for the blessing of children. We begged Him to allow us to get pregnant, despite what the doctors thought was likely, and to allow us to be parents. For five years, what we heard back from the Lord was always that we would have children, but "not yet". So, we waited. Often in confusion and often with a sense of ache...sometimes with question marks if we had misheard the promise...always with a full belief in the power of the Hand of God... we waited. And then, He brought us here. He allowed us to experience the incredible fruit of His withholding. He took the ache we walked through and used it in awe-inspiring ways. And - In His great mercy - He showed us that His "not yet"s ALWAYS include purpose. And He allowed us a season we never could have anticipated or deserved. He surrounded us with people who lifted us up in prayer as we laid down our expectations and surrendered to Him and to His timing. We pressed forward in the "not yet" and asked Him to bring Himself glory through the right now. In this place, He deepened our walk with Him. He strengthened our marriage even beyond what it had ever been. And He laid the foundation for what He had promised was, one day, to come. He gave, and He took away, and in it all - He allowed us to see more of Him. And then, in May - He gave us our "yes". We leave here, pregnant with a promise. A child who He affirmed as ours for years before she ever existed. A life that has been given and sustained by Him. A babygirl whose entire existence speaks of His goodness and declares His praise.

Full, and grateful, we now leave here.

You see, about a year and a half ago - as Brandon's Air Force contract ended and we began to ask God what was next - the Lord began stirring in our hearts that He was indeed leading us, eventually, back to where we came from. Back to Florida. Back to our parents and families. Back to the start of this all. Back to a place that, historically, had been bittersweet when it was home.

And for the last year, we wrestled with the Lord on it. Pulling up these kinds of roots is not an easy thing to do; and we petitioned before Him constantly that if/when He wanted us to go back - would He PLEASE make it abundantly clear because - despite starting our time in Virginia thinking we could never stay - we had now experienced abundance in a way that made me feel as though we could never leave.

So we processed and prayed, invested in where had had us and asked the Lord for clarity over what was to come. And what we consistently landed back on in prayer time in again was an ask and an assurance that God would not be subtle when it came time for us to return. That one day He would call us back; and it would be clear.

It became clear that He would one day do the impossible, allow us to get pregnant, and that would be our sign that our time here had come to an end.

And as we prayed we confessed that our entire lives, including and especially the child that He promised, is and was His to do with as He pleases; as He knows is good.

Here I now sit; 5 months pregnant. Our miracle of a child kicking away inside my belly with many of my strokes of these keys... and now - fulfilling back to the Lord the promise we had made before Him long before she existed.

When you say "GO", God - we will go.

When you give clear direction, we will follow.

When you say uproot, we will pull it all from the ground.

When you say you have something new for us,we will trust you, even in the pain of transition because you have never failed. You are faithful. And all of our lives are yours to mold.

After I got pregnant, we slowly approached the Lord with questions of....

"soooo....really?"

Brandon, as usual, has been so incredibly good at being stabilized within the Lord and HIS vast strength throughout it all. Holding my heart and helping me walk in truth and scripture and prayer over emotion.

Let me tell you; patiently loving and leading a hormonal and sick pregnant wife, who is processing the letting go of almost all known things - and the picking up of brand new things - is a task that requires a Holy Spirit dependency.

And the way that he has led me in worship through the question marks;
how he has spoken truth over all my confusion;
how he has wrapped me up in his arms in my craziest moments of fear and irrational outbursts;
how he has celebrated with me the goodness of God in our past, present, and future,
how he has sought the Lord for wisdom and ensured that every step we take is of Him and not us -

It's humbling. And beautiful. And I don't have words for the way that my love for him only deepens and grows through every trial and new situation we face together.

It's always been together, and I am so grateful for that kind of teamwork through our journey - constantly bringing our questions and praises back before God.

We got to do that, pretty much daily, since finding out we were pregnant; asking the Lord if Florida was the next step.

What we received back was confirmation after confirmation.

Open door after open door.

A supernatural softening of our hearts to leave and replant.

An excitement for what God has in Florida - with our families and within a reuniting there all together after almost a decade.

A realization that we return as totally different people than we were when we left; and into a completely new life within that foreign-yet-familiar place

And multiple affirmations from those close to us that the Lord had spoken the same thing to them that He has to us -

That our time here was complete, our mission accomplished, and a new season ahead.


With each daily prayer and each new affirmation it became increasingly clear to us;
God was saying go.


And so, it is out of that assurance and our deep desire to be where He wants us to be -

That I officially resigned from my role within Student Life at Legacy last weekend;
and we are working towards a move back to Florida this fall.

And with as hard as it is to say "see you later" to this place and these people who have been vessels for the work of God in our lives-

It's also impossible not to feel a great sense of anticipation.

Because I know who my God is
and I have seen how He works.
I know His hand in our lives
and I've seen the goodness contained within His very nature.

The place, whether Virginia or Florida, is no where near as important as the Placer.

I know that when He calls for this transition it is with purpose;
not only for us - but great purpose for the ministry He has built here;
as well as all He is building in Florida as well.

I can't help but hit these keys thinking about what it was like to type them in Colorado, completely unaware of all He had in store here...

He doesn't change. So as I sit here in Virginia, I'm grateful that there is much that I am yet unaware of for Him to reveal in this new Florida chapter.

New dimensions of His glory contained within this command to "GO"
Ones I cannot yet foresee or fathom.

I cannot wait to see what He does in the lives of students and ministry and the church here as He begins this new season for them - because thankfully, the Kingdom work happening here... it has zero to do with me and everything to do with His Spirit, which remains.

I'm excited to get back to our families, and after almost a decade away from the people we love - to now raise our miracle of a child with her grandparents and aunts and uncles, to build new relationships, to venture in ministry, to start all over again there; all while holding onto and cherishing and building off of what could never be erased from this season of our lives here.

I am confident that in this life, the only thing that my heart and soul truly NEED - is my God and my King - and that everything else I have and will experience is simply surplus.

I am celebrating the abundance He has given, and looking forward to the promise that is ahead; while resting on the foundation that in much and in little - give and take - here and in Florida -
I have all that I need in Him.

I still wrestle daily with this process of letting go of what was always His and never mine
These incredible pieces He entrusted me with for a season - surrendering that which I have held closely for years.

I still know that with every box I pack and load into a truck; that my heart will beat with the absolute weirdest mixture of both gratitude and grief.

But I wrestle with and acknowledge those pieces also with a deep sense of hope,
A child like sense of wonder at what is to come,
And an eager anticipation of even more reason to proclaim His faithfulness forever and ever.

Whatever is changing in your life;
Whatever shifts;
Whatever transition you are called to;
Whatever is given and taken away -
There is a God, unshakable, who desires to walk with you through it all.

And when He says go...

There's overflow in obedience;

Wherever we follow Him to...

There's no better place to be. 



Oh, Florida. We are coming for you.

God of the impossible; God of the PROMISE

It’s hard to explain the ache of infertility, as with most things in life - words can’t convey the exact same emotion as living it out.

But - I wanted, still, to take the chance to detail the journey that has led up to this new life in me -
because even if the journey is different; the tactics of the enemy, and my tendencies toward emotion in it all, are probably all too familiar to you. 

And the God who has intervened and redeemed in my story is the same one who is pursuing you in yours.

He is consistent, even if our circumstances vary.

So I don't know to what degree the concept of infertility hits you; but I would be willing to wager that you and I could stand arm in arm with a lot of the struggles that can fall within it.

longing. searching. identity. comparison. value. worth. adequacy. control. defeat.

These are the traps that were frequently set before Brandon and I over the course of the past five years.

Some days; we stood firm in hope and faith and trust in who God is and what that means to us.
Some days; we fell at His feet and begged for His comfort in our weakness.

Through it all - we have seen first hand the demonstration of just how sovereign and merciful He is,

And His grace has been poured out time and time again.

For every seeming defeat that He has allowed us to experience;

Not one has ever been left unredeemed.

Every tear has been wiped.

Every prayer has been heard.

Every question and doubt - understood and forgiven.

We do not deserve the way that He has held us through our seasons of naive confusion and entitlement; but even still He spoke promise within it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself....

Here's our story:

Brandon and I had been married for about 4 years when we decided that we were ready.

We wanted a family, and as we watched friends around us get pregnant and birth their children - we expected a quick answer as well.

We wanted a family. But it wasn’t happening.

After about 8 months of trying - we scheduled a doctors appointment to begin figuring out what was going on.

I remember waking up on New Year’s Day, with the upcoming appointment with a specialist set -

and immediately, I rolled over into Brandon’s strong and constantly ready arms and just started sobbing and said - “this is the year we will find out that we can’t have kids”

He held me, wiped my tears, and as we talked we began to understand that our story might be different.

I’ll never forget the outcome from specialist. All the appointments themselves kind of blur together; but it was the moment alone at home after all the chaos that has stuck with me through all these years.

I've found that moments of emotion left unchecked can scar;

but moments of emotion before God leave memorials of worship.

I didn't know at the time, this moment would be one of those memorials.

We had found out that there were problems on both ends, for Brandon and for me, and that between the two - it wasn’t likely - according to doctors - that we would ever naturally conceive a child of our own.

I went home, collapsed in a mess on my bed, and for the first time in my life to that point, I scream cried every bit of my heart out to the Lord.

No holding back. Just raw emotion and questions spewed out to Him - all the while with an underlying confession of His sovereignty - but also a very honest offering of my questions. And in His grace and patience and love - He listened.

Through heavy tears, and into the temporary comfort of the blanket I had clung to, I mustered out an incredibly honest and broken prayer to the Lord - that was likely indistinguishable to anyone other than Him - of just exactly how torn apart my heart was, how defective I felt, how confused I was, and how much I believed His promise that He loved me - but I really didn’t feel it in that moment.

I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to raise a child. I wanted to teach that child who He is, and I wanted to share the journey with the man I am madly in love with. To not have those things felt like a piece of me was being ripped away - it felt, unfair.

Oh how little I understood about fairness in those moments. The mercy I have received goes far beyond fair.

But in my confusion, I coupled my confessions of hurt with acknowledgement of who He said He was and asked Him to remedy in my shattered heart how my circumstances and His goodness overlapped. Because I knew they did - even if I couldn't feel it.

And we spent hours there together in the tension and the longing and the wrestling of my heart - as He worked to break my mindset from earthly to eternal focus.... a process I believe He will still be working in me for the entirely of my life.

And that afternoon is one of my prime memories of heartache, but it is also one of my top most identifiable moments of comfort and peace that I can reach back and still feel.

I spoke (wailed) and He listened.

I emptied my heart out; and I wasn't left empty handed.

I was given direction - that included pieces of motherhood that I still needed to have redeemed in my life;

as well as a promise - that regardless of what the doctors had said;

We would have children. But not yet.

And for the next five years - He showed us mercy and grace in the journey that we could have never deserved. 

We pressed in to Him earnestly, yet imperfectly, in an attempt to know his truth over the painful lies that come with an seemingly infertile journey.

We prayed for direction and tried our best to follow.

We ask for boundaries and paid close attention to where He gave green lights and where He said no.

And the common theme - the common crazy grace that I still can’t remedy in my mind - is that in all our failures and our doubts and our humanity - He never stopped speaking into it.

His voice was never removed from our journey. We were never without His presence in the fight.

Over the course of that five years we would pray about children and consistently hear from Him that same answer - “not yet”.

We would pursue treatment and watch Him close the doors. We were offered procedures which He said were unnecessary.

"I will. But not yet"

So we waited on Him.

And every so often along the way; usually right about the time that deepest pains would creep back in - God would send people into our lives to encourage and uplift us.

And over the years several consistent warriors of intercession, who prayed, would reach out again to say that God told them once more that we would be pregnant.

And they would continually remind us, in completely Spirit-birthed moments, of those promises.

So we would wait.

And in the waiting - a few years back, He took us on a detour out here to Virginia.

(That’s a story all on its own. It's a different blog post. Check out others to read that beautiful and undeserved rollercoaster of surprises and grace....)

But we got here; and in His sovereignty, He allowed us to be a part of a church plant that gave us glimpses of the Kingdom.

He allowed me to take a position in building and leading the youth ministry here - again, completely undeserved grace that I cannot explain - but in that process we had so many moments of seeing the beauty there is when God withholds.

He allowed us to make a home and put the coolest roots down in a place we didn't know existed.

We have been allowed, and daily enjoy, the front row seat to watch His hand in the lives of teens; changing and transforming their journeys with His same redemptive love.

The twists are never without purpose, and no season is wasted in His hands.

We realized quickly that we would not have jumped into this role within student ministry - wouldn’t have had our whole lives and hearts changed by His students and His families - had it not been for the withholding of what we thought we wanted in that moment.

Because He said "not yet" to pregnancy;

that meant He had an alternative.

And His alternatives are never lesser; because He is the creator and sustainer of our hearts; and no one knows better than Him what we need.

We need this.

Our hearts, souls, spirits, and stories - our marriage and the child that we would one day birth - needed the ministry that God had told us to dive into first.

Hallelujah. Thank you Jesus for knowing [so much better than I do] my yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows.

So we resolved to be faithful, as much as possible, with what He labeled right now.

And hopeful, as much as possible, with what He labeled not yet.

And then;

In April of this year we had a chemical pregnancy.

(That is a pregnancy that starts but doesn't stick; and it was only enough to spark a positive test and then fail.)

After 5 years of negative tests, we got a couple positives and I thought this was it... only to find out a few days later that it was not.

We were devastated.

We cried and we worshiped and we asked the same hard questions and demonstrated the same small faith that our God had so patiently began rewriting all those years ago.

And we spent an entire week together sitting in the confusing and helping each other to fall back into worship and prayer and the eager and desperate seeking of who God is in pain, again.

And what we found that week was His answer - scribbled in my prayer journals as promise from Him - that He was preforming a necessary healing of old wounds that could only be done by opening them again;

AND that He was simultaneously using that process to also bring us to a doctor that we needed to see.

So I called a clinic I had never seen, and scheduled with the first doctor available - who in turn -  told me of a medication that He wanted me to start.

I don't like to sugarcoat my spiritual ignorance; so in the spirit of full honesty - I spent about 10 days NOT filling the prescription and feeling like it wouldn’t matter, that my time would likely never come, and instead, considering calling in a request for birth control to ease some of the hormonal effects of my condition and give up on the child portion completely.

Luckily (by the grace of God) I have a husband who leads me to the Lord so well; and he recommended that I spend time in prayer before making that phone call.

And as I did, God gently yet firmly reminded me that He had allowed the events of the previous cycle to take place to lead specifically to this doctor and to this point in the journey for a reason; not for me to turn and run.

He said stay the course.

So, I began the medication. Not knowing that I had already conceived; and this medication would be used to sustain what was placed in my womb.

A couple weeks later Brandon and I took Joel (our brother, rarest and deepest kind of friend, and my ministry intern) and headed off to a retreat happening out in Nashville for an awesome organization, called Intern Academy, that trains up and equips seasoned leaders and upcoming interns for ministry leadership.

On the last day, a girl at the retreat who had heard my story came and asked to pray with me.

She said a couple years back at the retreat she had shared about some miscarriages she had; and someone prayed over her and asked the Lord for a child and she got pregnant that month.

It sounded like an awesome story, for her, but I can see looking back on that moment how incredibly hardened my heart had become to the belief of the impossible in my own life.

But she said all weekend God had been telling her that He wanted that for me, and that she needed to pray for me the way others had for her.

So I agreed, and she prayed, and she asked God for a child, and after sitting before the Lord in tears - and we all left.

That very night, I found out I was pregnant.

And every day since, the Lord has been teaching me new dimensions of His glory.

New truths about my dependence on Him.

New reminders that He is the giver and sustainer of life.

And sweet affirmations, even in the sin of my fear, that nothing is as fragile as He is strong.

I am 8 weeks pregnant currently. Which is sooner than a lot of people choose to announce - due to the rate of miscarriage before 12 weeks.

But what I have found to be true about my God overshadows the customs of our culture and enables me to proclaim His goodness in the moment; even if I cannot see around the corner.

My God loves me. And He gives incredibly good gifts - even ones that seem impossible.

And when moths and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal; He brings beauty to the darkest places.

So, I will gladly take you to the mountaintop moments with me;

and should I have to cross the valley -

I will vocally and publicly praise Him there as well.

My God is a redeeming God. Who takes the very worst things that could ever happen in life and somehow turns them around for His glory and our good.

It’s what He did on the cross for our salvation.

It’s what He has done with 100 different storylines in our journey.

And regardless of the timeline or outcome of this pregnancy- it’s what He will do here.

Because it’s who He is.

We are anticipating and expecting to welcome into this world - a child whose entire being will speak to the power and provision of God for all of eternity.

And however that looks; we can praise our God in the midst.

And we wrote this account, partially because we want you to know, of course, that we are expecting a little one to join us in January.

But far more than that we want you to know that there is no darkness that cannot be lit up by the God who is above all.

With Him - no thing is impossible.

Whatever we walk through; it’s for His glory.

And whatever He does; it’s in His love.

My prayer is that you experience and cling to both of those concrete truths in your story, as well.

Psalm 145.