I want to start off with some super vulnerable, real talk tonight - if that’s cool.
I’m 100% here for the authentic sharing of inevitable and uncomfortable pieces of life we all navigate.
It’s important to me basically always, but especially in this post.
Partly because I feel it’s crucial for understanding the context of where the Lord is leading this topic from here; and I want you to understand my journey in it...
...and partly because, as weird and unflattering as it feels to air my brokenness to the world, I believe that others benefit most when we share truth about ourselves in combination with greater and more stable truth about God -
and through that, everyone knows that they aren’t alone in their own inner battles;
and wide spread awareness of God’s magnitude and glory then replaces isolated feelings of dissatisfaction in ourselves.
I believe there are many out there in need of healing (spiritual, mental, emotional, etc), who need to hear today that they aren’t the only ones - and that God is still in the business of life and life abundant.
With that said, I have been in all those stages of need. In various different ways throughout my lifetime; and with more examples than we have time to list here - but the biggest bullet points for each being;
I was in need of spiritual healing in my teen years as I wandered in sin and pride and anger and resentment and apathy; and I encountered God in the thick of it all and He extended salvation to me and healed my soul in ways I couldn’t have imagined. (Full testimony is another post, for another time)
I was in need of medical healing when for five years my body appeared incapable of becoming pregnant, of carrying life, and of preforming the tasks that seemed so normal to 90% of the women around me. God spoke promise for all those years that healing was coming and that I would be pregnant and we would have children - and in April 2019, I became pregnant and my body has been sustained by His Spirit through the process that should have been impossible. (For full story there, see a few posts back “God of the impossible; God of the PROMISE)
But throughout the years, and now more than ever before, I have been in desperate need of a work from His healing hand within my mind as well.
You see, for all my life I have battled with anxiety. For much of it, this has been coupled with intrusive thoughts that don’t make sense, but that grip my heart as though they are reality and have a “sticky” effect in my brain.
Things that I feel have to be done, or cannot be done, in order for life to be okay; an inability to process and let go of thoughts in the “normal” and usual way; and a deep sense of alarm that sends panic signals through my body without any seeming understanding of when/why/how.
As the years progressed, these things only made themselves more evident - appearing during the more stressful seasons of my life in bigger ways, and then usually settling back down into what felt “manageable” by my own strength.
But in 2015, I had a severe attack of the worst combination of it all - I felt completely broken, lost, confused... like I was living in a clouded reality; and I ended up being officially and clinically diagnosed with both general anxiety disorder, as well as obsessive compulsive disorder.
I was given some medication and some tips and tricks to get it back under “control”, and then sent on my way.
After about 9 months, through much prayer and pursuit of God in it all, the Lord told me to get off the medication (not that there’s anything wrong with medication, when it is an ordained tool from the hands of God I know and have seen it be powerful and good; but in my case He directed it to stop), and He promised to sustain me... and - at that very time, 3 years ago - He said I needed to be off of it when I got pregnant.
In my limited human understanding, I took that to mean that I would be pregnant ‘soon’ and He didn’t want the medication physically interfering.
Turns out, His purpose was much deeper (and much further away) than my small self could comprehend.
For the next 3 years, He upheld His promise (as He always does). I was sustained, my anxiety and OCD well managed and held within His perfect hands. I lived out the mission He had set before me for that time, waited on the coming promise of pregnancy, and came before Him with the small moments of attack that I would occasionally face.
Then, in April 2019, I became pregnant. I was experiencing physical healing and absolute miracle provision happening in me. I was celebrating what He had chosen to do to that point; but sensed that He had much more to do and undo as I navigated the season of waiting.
Not long after becoming pregnant; the Lord told me to step down from my role in leading the most incredible student ministry, to instead focus on where He was taking me next - fulfillment of promise, motherhood, an eventual move to Florida, and taking advantage of my season in order to sit with Him in the breaking of the chains of anxiety and OCD that had been weighing on me for so long.
To my heart and mind, Florida was the first main directive to tackle - even though we had been given no definitive timeline, only that we were to go back. I believed we could focus on getting there first, and then tackle all the rest with Him.
However, as we began pursuing an understanding of how the timing of that journey would unfold through the direction of His Spirit - He made it clear that wasn’t His main mission.
Florida was down the road; but other initiatives were right now.
So, we resolved to wait on His timing for the move - and instead tackle whatever He said was for “right now”.
Over the course of the months, the symptoms of anxiety and OCD that I had been previously familiar with grew exponentially.
They became bigger and bigger to the point where eventually they were a crippling factor of my every day - but still I tried to “press on”.
I believed I could manage it on my own, use some of my past tips and tricks, and get through it okay...
No such luck.
If you’ve never struggled with mental illness before, it’s truly hard to explain what it feels like when the chemicals within your brain are imbalanced and out of whack and being used by the enemy to make deception feel like reality; but I’ll try to paint a picture for you.
During this pregnancy, the primary focus of the ailment has been centered on the fear of loss; the crippling feeling that this pregnancy would end in tragedy.
In the peak of my struggle, it has been bad enough to where it was an all day, everyday battle.
There was a constant and underlying feeling of terror and doom that sparked panic attacks and feelings of depression.
But there was this terrible extra side component to it of OCD that caused me to live out that anxiety in the most ridiculous ways.
Many people, mistakenly, believe that OCD has to do with organization.
When in actuality it’s much more based on fearful repetition.
It’s clinically described as “a common, chronic, and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts and/or behaviors that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over.”
Repetitive thoughts of loss and fear of the accompanying suffering were constant in their attack on my mind.
Sometimes, my OCD would say that I couldn’t do/say/wear/hear/eat/participate with certain things or else that would be the end of everything. And I would literally feel the loss in my bones.
Other times, it was that I HAD to do/say/wear/hear/eat/participate with certain things in order to avoid that loss.
When I would tell myself that wasn’t reality, it would spark an internal battle of truth trying to break through; but LOUD anxiety shouting back against it. And rationalization would spiral into anxious circles of thought that left me feeling like someone I didn’t even recognize.
It was a daily fight happening constantly inside of me, and I cannot describe the level of exhaustion that comes with that kind of internal chaos within.
I knew truth, but I couldn’t focus on it. I would sit with the Lord in deep stillness, and yet walk away only to dive back into fear. I wanted to think/feel based on what I knew - but would be consistently pulled back into a focus of what I don’t know.
But all the while, I was held. All the while, the Lord would draw me back, again and again, into places of refuge and peace in my time before Him - in worship and in prayer and in studying His Word; and He would speak of His desire for steps of concrete healing.
But still I would return to the familiar, yet excruciating, pattern of painful fear.
Eventually- through much prayer and through discussion with Brandon as He interceded for me; it was evident that there was more to this season than simply “pushing through”; and that although these types of preexisting illnesses are commonly amped up during pregnancy (thanks hormones), the Lord had also a great desire to heal me and not allow me to sit in that incredibly stifling and unhealthy place any longer.
This season was a foundational time intended for the breaking of bondage, so that when I enter into motherhood - it is not tainted by the effects of what has plagued me for so long. There were, and are, pieces of my own self that needed to be refined in order for Him to be glorified most in my raising of His daughter.
There was purpose in the pain, and preparation to happen through me allowing Him to lead me through steps of healing; rather than accepting fear as normalcy or burning myself out trying to undo it myself.
I’m not sure why our mindset so often is to simply pretend like what is broken is normal, and we have no need for God in the midst - but I was determined that I wouldn’t allow myself to believe that this pattern of living was okay; or that I was able to rectify it of my own ability or strength.
Our greatest deficiencies make apparent to us the greatness of His provision.
So, in this awareness - it was time to fight it all in the most potent way possible; by learning to surrender the entirety of the fight in His hands.
Not the kind of surrender that really is just avoidance or apathy - but the active surrender that involves petitioning Him for revelation and then partnering with His Spirit in how He leads.
He provided direction - and I followed.
At His direction, I began counseling; and, alongside that counseling, I began asking God to reveal more of His purpose in this season, as well as how I could take additional and tangible steps to allow Him to heal my mind and break these chains.
And He led me into a whole bunch of healing opportunities... some broad approaches to tackle, and many intricately tailored steps for me; specified ways of both the giving of my self to Him - and active receiving before Him.
And I began to see more of His hand in it all as I chose to not only acknowledge my need for healing (and His sole ability to provide such), but as I also determined that He was for me and not against me; and that I would listen for His voice and follow where He leads, knowing that HE alone is enough regardless of any other circumstance around me.
I determined that if all my worst fears came true; and/or if I battled this thorn in my flesh for the rest of my life - still all I need is Him.
And daily I asked Him to teach me, through the combination of counseling and techniques and passionate surrender before Him, how to feel THAT louder than all else. How to see Him glorified in my healing.
There’s a concept taught throughout scripture that has made itself immeasurably valuable in my life as of recently; and it is this -
The immutability of God.
Simply stated, this is the truth that God is unchanging.
In Malachi 3:6 God affirms, "I the Lord do not change."
Numbers 23:19, 1 Samuel 15:29, Isaiah 46:9-11, Ezekiel 24:14, and James 1:17 all speak to this same principal - and it helps me to process all of the rest of who He is when standing on the basis of that truth.
It enables me to see Him more clearly as I read scripture and look at the character and heart of God throughout all of eternity; and how that directly ties into my intimate connection with Him as well.
Recently, in my struggle, I’ve been studying in the book of Matthew and seeking to see more of Him and less of anything else.
If you read the gospels and their accounts of the life and ministry and death and resurrection of Jesus - there are many common themes of His unchanging character to be uncovered.
But in this season; He has drawn my attention (and I believe He is drawing some of yours) to the unchanging element of His heart’s desire to work healing in our lives. Foremost, spiritual healing for our sin-stricken souls. But secondary, how His heart is moved by our earthly conditions as well.
Throughout chapters 8 and 9 in Matthew specifically, there are several depictions (mirrored throughout other gospel account also) of Jesus healing the diseased, the sick, rescuing from the storm, healing from demonic possession, healing a paralytic, raising a dying girl, healing a chronic illness, restoring sight to the blind...
Story after story we watch as He encounters people in desperate need of a healing touch both in their faith and in their bodies - and He meets them in that place of brokenness. As He does - His Word, His touch, and His power restores their soul. We see eternal healings happen, but we also see him care for the temporary physical issues as well.
As we live in a temporary and fallen world; as we live surrounded by sinful people (and sinful still ourselves); and as we spend our days experiencing the fallout of thousands and thousands of years of humanity choosing darkness over light; ....it is inevitable that things like sickness, and spiritual blindness, and broken circumstances will find us.
And I cannot pretend to know the sovereign heart and will and mind of God - His ways and thoughts are far higher than my own. But what I do know about Him, is that His unchanging character means that from the start of time and throughout all of eternity His desire has been to pull us from the brokenness of this life and draw us into intimate restoration and redemption in Him.
He is POWERFUL. Sovereign over every single thing. And no thing stands a chance against His love and His might.
I know that there is nothing He misses, and that no thing offered up to Him in humility and faith will be ignored or untouched. He brings beauty from the worst of ashes, even in our temporary life - and His foremost desire is for us to experience His glory for eternity when this all passes away.
And here’s what I learned in Matthew as well - in Matthew 9:35-36 we see this thing that almost knocked me over.
After describing Jesus’ ministry that FIRST included preaching and teaching (revealing His character and His glory and our need, with an offer for eternal healing and redemption), He then ALSO worked more physical/emotional/mental healings and freed more people from earthy bondage than what we could ever see on these pages.
But here’s the coolest part. Verse 36 says that this Jesus, this Immanuel, GOD WITH US - it says he saw crowds of people, he saw their distress and saw them dejected, and it says He had compassion of them.
This compassion fueled His ministry of revelation and of healing - and it prompted Him to urge His disciples to pray for more people to participate in that work for His Kingdom AND for the people he felt compassion for.
That word compassion, it turns out, in the original Greek is “splagchnistheis” and it is the strongest word for pity in the Greek language. It describes a compassion which moves a man to the deepest depths of his being, AND it is not found in Classical Greek.
This word for compassion was literally coined by the gospel writers themselves because... in searching all the Greek language at the time there was no word in all of existence that could capture the level of compassion that God has as He looks at His creation and sees them dejected and in distress.
That is the compassion that He looks on me with as He tends to my wounds - to the deepest needs of my soul, to the physical pieces of my body, and also to the processes in my mind.
It’s because of that compassion that He allows for my own frailties to come to the light in His perfect timing, to be rectified in preparation for the goodness He has in store around the corner.
In His compassion, He offers to reveal more of His character to me; teach me His ways/Word/direction; and lead me into His healing power.
But it involves acknowledgement of our need for healing; faith in Him as our only healer; consistency in our habits of devotion before Him; and a type of offering up of ourselves to Him that releases us from the seat of control and gives Him what is rightfully His - every single bit of our hearts.
Within that, we may or may not see the manifestation of the temporary healing here on earth; but we will absolutely see the eternal manifestation of it afterwards - and we will be equipped with all the strength that we need in order to not just “push through” and be “okay”..
.. but instead he led through and be refined and made whole in Him.
I’m still following His hand through the unraveling of my journey; but I’ve seen enough of His character to know that what He begins, He also finishes - and there is greater healing still to come.
If you are battling a season of need - I strongly encourage you to seek Him out; confess your need; gaze on His ability and totally grace-fueled willingness; offer yourself fully to Him; and ask for what steps He might lead you to take that are in line with the tools He has set aside for your healing since the beginning of time.
If He leads you to counseling, to resources for study, to deeper habits of stillness before Him, or to any extras or any combination of those things listed - don’t hesitate to reach out; I would love to come alongside you in determining how His healing character is longing to be displayed and glorified in you.
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