Dear Everly;
I left the house alone today – for the first time since you
were born, almost a month ago now.
I cried as I walked out the door; it’s amazing just how
connected my heart is to yours already.
Your dad is sweet and oh-so-good to us both - and he
insisted that I leave you home with him, as I get some time and space to myself,
in order to write and reflect.
I had shared with him how deeply I felt an urge to take
record of what this last month has been; and he is consistent in fighting for
what is good for me, even (and especially) when I don’t quite know how to
choose it.
So, here I am.
Writing to a baby who is only four short weeks old.
Writing with the intention that as you grow, you will one day read the collection of all my written words… from all my many seasons… and that as you do, you will see the goodness and the glory of God.
Writing in a public format because I believe that our lives were built and designed for proclamation - and I want to start from day one, with you, building our lives together, as open letters of worship to our King.
I am writing to you and hoping that with every piece of every story that I ever share with you; all you will see and hear is more of Him, always.
At this point, you’ve probably already heard the stories leading up to your arrival.
How we prayed for you for years.
Years that included aching and crying and begging and waiting, as the Lord said
“not yet”.
How we were taught to trust Him, in both His giving and His taking – His withholding and His outpouring.
You’ve probably heard about all the twists and turns He took us through, to bring us to exactly you, at the perfect time.
Likely, you know all about the almost crippling anxiety that I faced during my pregnancy with you, and how He revealed more of His compassion and healing than ever before in that journey.
I have written about all of them in previous posts, and my goal is to share those conversations with you frequently as you grow as well.
So, for today, let me tell you about how you joined us; and how the glory of God was revealed to us in your arrival.
Soon, I will also share the beautiful difficulty found in the weeks to follow.
How we were taught to trust Him, in both His giving and His taking – His withholding and His outpouring.
You’ve probably heard about all the twists and turns He took us through, to bring us to exactly you, at the perfect time.
Likely, you know all about the almost crippling anxiety that I faced during my pregnancy with you, and how He revealed more of His compassion and healing than ever before in that journey.
I have written about all of them in previous posts, and my goal is to share those conversations with you frequently as you grow as well.
So, for today, let me tell you about how you joined us; and how the glory of God was revealed to us in your arrival.
Soon, I will also share the beautiful difficulty found in the weeks to follow.
- - -
You, my baby, were due on January 21st, 2020.
As the date drew closer and closer, your father and I grew more and more eager.
Especially me, as my body continually felt the toll of pregnancy and I longed to hold the fulfillment of God’s promise openly in my arms rather than concealed inside of me.
A couple of weeks prior to your due date, I began experiencing contractions for a series of nights in a row.
Nothing consistent enough to send us in; but enough to begin to feel that you were truly on your way.
On the morning of January 6th, I woke up with a weird pain/discomfort that I hadn’t previously experienced.
I remember sitting on my birthing ball in the living room, bouncing and swaying and rocking and waiting for the doctors office to return my call and let me know if what I was feeling was normal.
I remember the strangest mix of anxiety and concern and excitement and wonder. I wanted so bad to get an immediate answer from the doc. But I expected fully for them to tell me it was normal, and to just keep waiting on you.
An hour went by, no call.
I prayed in the living room and asked the Lord if I needed to be alarmed by my discomfort; if anything was wrong with you or with me; and what I could expect from the call to come.
The answer I received back from Him in that moment was:
“Rest. Nap for now. You’ll need it. And I have all things in my control.”
So, I napped for a couple hours. And within 5 minutes of waking, received the call from the office that I had been waiting on – they wanted me to come in and get checked.
I called your dad and told him that they wanted to see me, and we went back and forth on whether he should come – or if he should stay at work.
As I got ready to leave the house, I grabbed our hospital bags “just in case”.
I prayed, and your dad prayed, and we asked the Lord if this appointment was worth him leaving work for.
After all, we figured that there would be plenty of false alarms, and reasons that he may have to leave work for future appointments in those last few weeks, and we didn’t want to waste his time off when the answer would probably be “go home and wait”.
But as we prayed I felt SO unsettled about going alone.
I told your dad that I needed him to come.
And, as is his character, he dropped everything to be by my side.
Those first couple of instances were the first strokes of God’s hand that were painted over your birth story; as my heart looks back on them now and sees that
truly, when we ask for wisdom – He provides it.
As the date drew closer and closer, your father and I grew more and more eager.
Especially me, as my body continually felt the toll of pregnancy and I longed to hold the fulfillment of God’s promise openly in my arms rather than concealed inside of me.
A couple of weeks prior to your due date, I began experiencing contractions for a series of nights in a row.
Nothing consistent enough to send us in; but enough to begin to feel that you were truly on your way.
On the morning of January 6th, I woke up with a weird pain/discomfort that I hadn’t previously experienced.
I remember sitting on my birthing ball in the living room, bouncing and swaying and rocking and waiting for the doctors office to return my call and let me know if what I was feeling was normal.
I remember the strangest mix of anxiety and concern and excitement and wonder. I wanted so bad to get an immediate answer from the doc. But I expected fully for them to tell me it was normal, and to just keep waiting on you.
An hour went by, no call.
I prayed in the living room and asked the Lord if I needed to be alarmed by my discomfort; if anything was wrong with you or with me; and what I could expect from the call to come.
The answer I received back from Him in that moment was:
“Rest. Nap for now. You’ll need it. And I have all things in my control.”
So, I napped for a couple hours. And within 5 minutes of waking, received the call from the office that I had been waiting on – they wanted me to come in and get checked.
I called your dad and told him that they wanted to see me, and we went back and forth on whether he should come – or if he should stay at work.
As I got ready to leave the house, I grabbed our hospital bags “just in case”.
I prayed, and your dad prayed, and we asked the Lord if this appointment was worth him leaving work for.
After all, we figured that there would be plenty of false alarms, and reasons that he may have to leave work for future appointments in those last few weeks, and we didn’t want to waste his time off when the answer would probably be “go home and wait”.
But as we prayed I felt SO unsettled about going alone.
I told your dad that I needed him to come.
And, as is his character, he dropped everything to be by my side.
Those first couple of instances were the first strokes of God’s hand that were painted over your birth story; as my heart looks back on them now and sees that
truly, when we ask for wisdom – He provides it.
When I asked about the future, He gave me only the immediately
needed step – to rest and prepare for what I had no idea would be the longest,
hardest, most exhausting and beautiful week of my life.
He knew.
He was in control.
And I was guided by Him, incrementally and mercifully.
When we asked if your dad should come, we were given direction and unity – and I am so thankful that the Lord saw what was to come and led us accordingly… because when we showed up to the doctor’s office that day, we were informed that my water had broke.
I had always pictured that if your water breaks, that it would be noticeable.
However, with you – the rupture was at the very top of my abdomen, and your head was keeping it all from coming out.
So when the doc said “head on over to labor and delivery, you’re having this baby”… it was a shock, and one of the more surreal moments of my life.
He knew.
He was in control.
And I was guided by Him, incrementally and mercifully.
When we asked if your dad should come, we were given direction and unity – and I am so thankful that the Lord saw what was to come and led us accordingly… because when we showed up to the doctor’s office that day, we were informed that my water had broke.
I had always pictured that if your water breaks, that it would be noticeable.
However, with you – the rupture was at the very top of my abdomen, and your head was keeping it all from coming out.
So when the doc said “head on over to labor and delivery, you’re having this baby”… it was a shock, and one of the more surreal moments of my life.
As you dad and I sat in the exam room,
we gathered up our things and prepared to head to the hospital,
we cried.
We got in the car
and we prayed.
We went to Chick-Fil-A for a last meal before labor.
We called our families.
We told our 'family-away-from-family' that we have here and arranged for help from them.
And we did a lot of looking at each other in disbelief… this is it.
5 years of waiting.
5 years of praying.
5 years of promise.
You were on your way.
God had chosen that day to begin your arrival.
He had chosen you for us.
He had chosen us for you.
And now suddenly, and not so suddenly, we were in the moment of provision.
The first several hours at the hospital were exciting and pretty easy.
Mild contractions, meeting hospital staff, meeting the doctor who would deliver you (of course the ONE doctor I hadn’t met during pregnancy).
She was awesome, by the way.
She sat with me as if I was the only patient on earth, asked me about my fears, and spoke truth to each one individually as she laid out what to expect from my first birthing experience.
Every person the Lord had put in place for that day was phenomenal. And with each new introduction we were flooded with so much peace.
The Spirit of God was in that room, and I could feel Him working all things together with each new step.
With time, the doctor explained the need to rupture my water from the bottom to assist with the delivery process.
We did so, and within minutes my contractions were UNREAL.
Lasting a full minute, with a minute of relief in between – they were unlike anything I can explain to you.
Your father held me and helped me labor through them, and eventually I requested an epidural – which was an interesting experience, as my entire body was trembling consistently and uncontrollably… not a great feeling as a needle approaches your spine.
But, they did it, and soon enough I was laying in bed waiting to progress through labor – waiting to get to you.
we gathered up our things and prepared to head to the hospital,
we cried.
We got in the car
and we prayed.
We went to Chick-Fil-A for a last meal before labor.
We called our families.
We told our 'family-away-from-family' that we have here and arranged for help from them.
And we did a lot of looking at each other in disbelief… this is it.
5 years of waiting.
5 years of praying.
5 years of promise.
You were on your way.
God had chosen that day to begin your arrival.
He had chosen you for us.
He had chosen us for you.
And now suddenly, and not so suddenly, we were in the moment of provision.
The first several hours at the hospital were exciting and pretty easy.
Mild contractions, meeting hospital staff, meeting the doctor who would deliver you (of course the ONE doctor I hadn’t met during pregnancy).
She was awesome, by the way.
She sat with me as if I was the only patient on earth, asked me about my fears, and spoke truth to each one individually as she laid out what to expect from my first birthing experience.
Every person the Lord had put in place for that day was phenomenal. And with each new introduction we were flooded with so much peace.
The Spirit of God was in that room, and I could feel Him working all things together with each new step.
With time, the doctor explained the need to rupture my water from the bottom to assist with the delivery process.
We did so, and within minutes my contractions were UNREAL.
Lasting a full minute, with a minute of relief in between – they were unlike anything I can explain to you.
Your father held me and helped me labor through them, and eventually I requested an epidural – which was an interesting experience, as my entire body was trembling consistently and uncontrollably… not a great feeling as a needle approaches your spine.
But, they did it, and soon enough I was laying in bed waiting to progress through labor – waiting to get to you.
Time passed and I wasn’t progressing how they wanted, actually had barely progressed at all, so
they suggested giving me a drug that would speed up the process.
I expressed how much I really didn’t want that medication – so they allowed me to labor, this time on my side, for another hour first.
I prayed and confessed to the Lord, and as a reminder to myself, that every bit of your birth had already been decided on by the God who had planned you from the start of time.
When they came back to administer the drug, they were surprised to find that within the course of the hour I had jumped from around a 4, to a 9, and was almost ready to push.
I expressed how much I really didn’t want that medication – so they allowed me to labor, this time on my side, for another hour first.
I prayed and confessed to the Lord, and as a reminder to myself, that every bit of your birth had already been decided on by the God who had planned you from the start of time.
When they came back to administer the drug, they were surprised to find that within the course of the hour I had jumped from around a 4, to a 9, and was almost ready to push.
With that, I was informed I would not need the medication –
and they would give me another hour to make it the rest of the way.
I didn’t even make it 30 more minutes before I informed the nurse
that you were coming NOW, and my body needed to push immediately, which I did,
for only a little over an hour.
It’s not lost on me that nothing about our labor and delivery experience was self-led.
The Lord had ordained and directed every piece of progress my body would make.
It’s not lost on me that nothing about our labor and delivery experience was self-led.
The Lord had ordained and directed every piece of progress my body would make.
He knew the process of dilation, He knew every contraction, and as
the doctor and nurses marveled at my quick and sudden progress – I sat in
awareness that the progress was His alone.
I pushed hard, I used pieces to labor that I never thought I would (hello, mirror), and before I knew it... I was grabbing you out from between my legs and pulling you up onto my chest as the rest of the world around me became a complete blur.
I vaguely remember being stitched up.
I know there were hospital-type things happening around me for a while (checking you and I and making sure we were healthy, etc)…
but honestly, all I really remember from the moment of your birth at 2:20am on January 7th, until we were moved to recovery around 6am that day… is just how in love with you I already was.
All I can recall from those first moments is holding you tight against me and nursing you for the very first time.
All I can see is your newborn body, still covered in total grossness – yet somehow the most beautiful thing I had seen.
I can hear your first cry.
I pushed hard, I used pieces to labor that I never thought I would (hello, mirror), and before I knew it... I was grabbing you out from between my legs and pulling you up onto my chest as the rest of the world around me became a complete blur.
I vaguely remember being stitched up.
I know there were hospital-type things happening around me for a while (checking you and I and making sure we were healthy, etc)…
but honestly, all I really remember from the moment of your birth at 2:20am on January 7th, until we were moved to recovery around 6am that day… is just how in love with you I already was.
All I can recall from those first moments is holding you tight against me and nursing you for the very first time.
All I can see is your newborn body, still covered in total grossness – yet somehow the most beautiful thing I had seen.
I can hear your first cry.
I can feel the sense of realizing that somehow you were
inside of me, but now you were here.
After all this time… you were here.
I can see the look of wonder bouncing between your dad and
I.
I can remember the doctor and the nurse conversing as they stitched me up about how the last couple hours were “magic”, how the side lying was “magic”, how the peanut ball was “magic”, how my progress and pushing were impressive,
and I remember proclaiming out loud with your dad, for them to hear and all to know –
No, our God is SO GOOD.
I can remember the doctor and the nurse conversing as they stitched me up about how the last couple hours were “magic”, how the side lying was “magic”, how the peanut ball was “magic”, how my progress and pushing were impressive,
and I remember proclaiming out loud with your dad, for them to hear and all to know –
No, our God is SO GOOD.
There is no other explanation behind your creation, your
existence, the protection over you, or your arrival in our lives – other than
the goodness of God.
All of you is all about Him.
And girlfriend,
I had created this whole long worship playlist that I intended to cycle through during my time in labor (which ended up being a total of 10 hours).
But when all was said and done; only three songs ended up being the soundtrack to your birth.
The beginning moments of settling in at the hospital were lived out as “Joy” by housefires played on repeat, proclaiming “In your presence there is joy, joy forevermore”
All of you is all about Him.
And girlfriend,
I had created this whole long worship playlist that I intended to cycle through during my time in labor (which ended up being a total of 10 hours).
But when all was said and done; only three songs ended up being the soundtrack to your birth.
The beginning moments of settling in at the hospital were lived out as “Joy” by housefires played on repeat, proclaiming “In your presence there is joy, joy forevermore”
I labored and progressed through contractions as another
Housefires song called “Song of Moses” repeated for hours stating “The Lord
shall reign forever and ever”
And for the hour plus that I pushed, and as you arrived into
my arms, “Yours” by Elevation Worship was declaring “the praise is Yours, You’re
the one we bow before. Reigning over us, as we lift you up, you will reign
forevermore”.
*The consistency of the character of our God,
the eternal aspects of His kingdom,
and the desire for a persistent posture of praise
have been foundational to what we have begged the Lord that your life would reflect and absorb –
and though we didn’t know it or plan it at the time,
even the soundtrack to your birth reflected the meaning behind your name.*
Your arrival and existence were born during, and surrounded by, our heart's cries for eternal worship before a mighty and merciful God.
the eternal aspects of His kingdom,
and the desire for a persistent posture of praise
have been foundational to what we have begged the Lord that your life would reflect and absorb –
and though we didn’t know it or plan it at the time,
even the soundtrack to your birth reflected the meaning behind your name.*
Your arrival and existence were born during, and surrounded by, our heart's cries for eternal worship before a mighty and merciful God.
My prayer is that your lifetime would be marked by the same.
I love you, my sweet miracle girl.
And I cannot wait to share with you more of Him.
And I cannot wait to share with you more of Him.
“The Lord is great and is highly praised;
His greatness is unsearchable.
One generation will declare your works to the next and will proclaim your mighty acts.
I will speak of your splendor and glorious majesty and your wonderous works.
[And Everly] will proclaim the power of your awe-inspiring acts,
and I will declare your greatness,
[And Everly] will give a testimony of your great goodness, and will joyfully sing of your righteousness.”
His greatness is unsearchable.
One generation will declare your works to the next and will proclaim your mighty acts.
I will speak of your splendor and glorious majesty and your wonderous works.
[And Everly] will proclaim the power of your awe-inspiring acts,
and I will declare your greatness,
[And Everly] will give a testimony of your great goodness, and will joyfully sing of your righteousness.”
Ps 145
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